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May. 17th, 2021 06:08 pm
I just wanted more time
I had expected to come on tonight and post some fic, answer some comments, just post something, but today I got the news I'd been expecting, but was dreading all the same. Below is the letter I posted on social media. Likely I'll be popping in and out over the next 2 weeks, but I don't know if I'll have the head for commenting/fic reading, etc.
Today, as I’d known in my gut for some time now, I had it confirmed that Ianto’s time with me on Earth is coming to a close. Where I’d hoped for months will be only a few weeks, and as such, I elect now to write a letter to my boy:
My Dearest Ianto Zachary,
I did not know 10 ½ years ago when you and your 3 sisters were first brought into MAH how you would become one of the best parts of my life. I did not know how much I would grow to adore you and your hugs, you and your talking, you and your monkey tail. I did not know how I’d become frantic the two times you got out of the house, only for you to call me from under the porch because you didn’t know what to do without Mommy there to protect you.
I used to joke that if you could speak you’d introduce yourself as Ianto Knock It Off, but man have I loved your persistence and personality. (Though I wish you’d been less of a mouser or at least consistently ate ALL of the mouse after you gave it a teeny tiny heart-attack.) Though you never had the relationship with your sister that I had hoped you would, I treasure the few pictures I have of the two of you cuddled together because, like true siblings, you could boss her around and just you-no one else is allowed to bother her. And while I’d hoped you and Hannah might be friends, I have loved your spunk for putting a dog 5 times your size in her place.
“The only man in my life is Ianto,” is something I’ve said often and honestly, it’s been true. You’re my perfect boy when I ignore your peeing in places you shouldn’t, and even then, you’re still perfect. From the day I snuck you home, a little white and gray puffball with feet you had to grow into, you’ve been perfect. (Ok, I could have lived without you beating up your sister.) In the days after we lost Christopher, you were there with your cuddles and purring, kneading my side as we laid in bed. Every tough time since, you’ve been there; every night, your whole life I have slept knowing that your sister will be on one side and you on the other, warmth against my back or my stomach or trying to curl up literally against my face as if trying to suffocate me with love.
I am not sure how I will handle the days when you decide you are ready to move on. I already don’t know how I will handle it when I have to begin washing the linens in the places you have loved to sleep, how I will handle it when I realize that your hair no longer is on my clothes (or in my eyes, see above about love suffocating.) I don’t know how I will handle it when you’re no longer here to demand things from me, meerkating when I don’t get your food fast enough, when I’m not whining at you to stop peeing on my stuff.
My buddy, I thought we had more time, even if it was shortened by the cancer in your pelvis, I had hoped we had months. I wanted you to see your eleventh birthday, then I just wanted to make it until we got your DNA results back, now I just want one more birthday of my own with you. But if you are done and you’re ready, then all I want is one more I Love You.
I’ll never be able to tell you how much I have loved you, Ianto. There are no words to convey that. You will never be forgotten and I will carry you with me until the end of my days.
Until we meet again,
Mommy
Today, as I’d known in my gut for some time now, I had it confirmed that Ianto’s time with me on Earth is coming to a close. Where I’d hoped for months will be only a few weeks, and as such, I elect now to write a letter to my boy:
My Dearest Ianto Zachary,
I did not know 10 ½ years ago when you and your 3 sisters were first brought into MAH how you would become one of the best parts of my life. I did not know how much I would grow to adore you and your hugs, you and your talking, you and your monkey tail. I did not know how I’d become frantic the two times you got out of the house, only for you to call me from under the porch because you didn’t know what to do without Mommy there to protect you.
I used to joke that if you could speak you’d introduce yourself as Ianto Knock It Off, but man have I loved your persistence and personality. (Though I wish you’d been less of a mouser or at least consistently ate ALL of the mouse after you gave it a teeny tiny heart-attack.) Though you never had the relationship with your sister that I had hoped you would, I treasure the few pictures I have of the two of you cuddled together because, like true siblings, you could boss her around and just you-no one else is allowed to bother her. And while I’d hoped you and Hannah might be friends, I have loved your spunk for putting a dog 5 times your size in her place.
“The only man in my life is Ianto,” is something I’ve said often and honestly, it’s been true. You’re my perfect boy when I ignore your peeing in places you shouldn’t, and even then, you’re still perfect. From the day I snuck you home, a little white and gray puffball with feet you had to grow into, you’ve been perfect. (Ok, I could have lived without you beating up your sister.) In the days after we lost Christopher, you were there with your cuddles and purring, kneading my side as we laid in bed. Every tough time since, you’ve been there; every night, your whole life I have slept knowing that your sister will be on one side and you on the other, warmth against my back or my stomach or trying to curl up literally against my face as if trying to suffocate me with love.
I am not sure how I will handle the days when you decide you are ready to move on. I already don’t know how I will handle it when I have to begin washing the linens in the places you have loved to sleep, how I will handle it when I realize that your hair no longer is on my clothes (or in my eyes, see above about love suffocating.) I don’t know how I will handle it when you’re no longer here to demand things from me, meerkating when I don’t get your food fast enough, when I’m not whining at you to stop peeing on my stuff.
My buddy, I thought we had more time, even if it was shortened by the cancer in your pelvis, I had hoped we had months. I wanted you to see your eleventh birthday, then I just wanted to make it until we got your DNA results back, now I just want one more birthday of my own with you. But if you are done and you’re ready, then all I want is one more I Love You.
I’ll never be able to tell you how much I have loved you, Ianto. There are no words to convey that. You will never be forgotten and I will carry you with me until the end of my days.
Until we meet again,
Mommy
May. 14th, 2021 08:29 pm
Let's face it: I'm a flake
So that's what? 1 post in a year? Okay, so I've been a bit of a flake the last while. I'd blame work, COVID, dog training, poor health, but really, it was my untreated ADHD. Now that it's under control-thank the universe for non-stimulant medications-and I can think straight, I've started porting in old kink meme fills to AO3 and reading older fic in a couple of fandoms. It's nice to have something of an attention span again.
I'll be going back to read fic from a few people I adore and miss (and I hope are doing well despite my absences). I make no promises that I'll be doing more writing or frequent posting, as I am doing better mentally but I also recently discovered that my 10 year old cat, Ianto, who I've always said is the only man in my life, has bone cancer in his pelvis. It was a complete shock and a lot of my attention as of late has gone to him; while the cancer is a slow-growth type in cats, it has already been growing for about 6-9 months, during which time one of his kidneys became large and cystic. This is on top of the heart disease he's had since he was young. While I hope he sees his 11th birthday in September, I am not pinning all my hope on that and I'm trying to keep him comfortable and loved until the day comes.
As for myself, my health is continuing to deteriorate, but oddly I'm not unable to function like I have in the past. I go for another MRI tomorrow and I have a tilt-table test scheduled for August. We'll see what the results show, but at this point, between that, the hip dysplasia, the back pain, vertigo, etc, I know I'm on the downslope of my career in vet med. I considered vet school and transitioning out of the nursing aspect to a DVM, but I know I'd be miserable, so I may move to a receptionist position in the next few years or a WFH as a medical coding/billing if I can complete a certificate. We'll see.
How is everyone? Hanging in there?
I'll be going back to read fic from a few people I adore and miss (and I hope are doing well despite my absences). I make no promises that I'll be doing more writing or frequent posting, as I am doing better mentally but I also recently discovered that my 10 year old cat, Ianto, who I've always said is the only man in my life, has bone cancer in his pelvis. It was a complete shock and a lot of my attention as of late has gone to him; while the cancer is a slow-growth type in cats, it has already been growing for about 6-9 months, during which time one of his kidneys became large and cystic. This is on top of the heart disease he's had since he was young. While I hope he sees his 11th birthday in September, I am not pinning all my hope on that and I'm trying to keep him comfortable and loved until the day comes.
As for myself, my health is continuing to deteriorate, but oddly I'm not unable to function like I have in the past. I go for another MRI tomorrow and I have a tilt-table test scheduled for August. We'll see what the results show, but at this point, between that, the hip dysplasia, the back pain, vertigo, etc, I know I'm on the downslope of my career in vet med. I considered vet school and transitioning out of the nursing aspect to a DVM, but I know I'd be miserable, so I may move to a receptionist position in the next few years or a WFH as a medical coding/billing if I can complete a certificate. We'll see.
How is everyone? Hanging in there?
✒
Today marks the end of my 2nd week with the new clinic. So far, it's started to really feel comfortable and I've started being able to find things and do things without help from the others. I am, of course, paranoid to let the universe know I'm feeling happy and optimistic, but so far so good.
That said, today was a little crazier than it's been since I started and my hip and shoulder are really feeling it. While the previous clinic had lift tables and did nothing on the floor, the new one keeps the heavier/larger pets on the floor for us and them. I'm fine with it, but it gives the bigger dogs more leverage to get away from me which with my right side currently not great, doesn't make things easy. Still, I'm hoping I'll be able to get through the conditioning my body needs to get used to it.
I didn't mention it previously, but I am enacting what I call my back up plan: I'm going to start a Medical Billing/Coding Certificate program in the spring. I'm hoping that by the time I complete it, I will have more information on my conditions and a better idea of what I need to do to stay healthy. I may be able to use it for a second income or, if it turns out to be better for me, a full-time income. I may never use it either, but my psych degree, unfortunately, would require far more to get me into a career I'd enjoy and I don't think I can physically or mentally do it.
Words written so far this week: 604
That said, today was a little crazier than it's been since I started and my hip and shoulder are really feeling it. While the previous clinic had lift tables and did nothing on the floor, the new one keeps the heavier/larger pets on the floor for us and them. I'm fine with it, but it gives the bigger dogs more leverage to get away from me which with my right side currently not great, doesn't make things easy. Still, I'm hoping I'll be able to get through the conditioning my body needs to get used to it.
I didn't mention it previously, but I am enacting what I call my back up plan: I'm going to start a Medical Billing/Coding Certificate program in the spring. I'm hoping that by the time I complete it, I will have more information on my conditions and a better idea of what I need to do to stay healthy. I may be able to use it for a second income or, if it turns out to be better for me, a full-time income. I may never use it either, but my psych degree, unfortunately, would require far more to get me into a career I'd enjoy and I don't think I can physically or mentally do it.
Words written so far this week: 604
Sep. 29th, 2020 07:00 pm
Six Months Later
Well, we're a half a year into COVID and life has gotten pretty odd for the majority of us, I think. I know for me that switching to a one-day-a-week shopping day has been draining if only because I don't often have the energy levels needed for all the errands. I have started going out here and there just to hit the Dollar Tree or Rite Aid.
I have, unfortunately, come to the realization that my body is beginning to fail me. While I look perfectly healthy, this year has brought me a worsening of my gastroparesis and several new diagnoses and doctors. At the suggestion of several of my treating professionals, Hannah is being trained for service work including mobility. I've been requested to stop working as well because of the physical tax it is taking on me, but stubborn as I am, I am not ready to admit defeat.
Despite needing more time off this year to figure out my health, I did ultimately leave the vet clinic I was at. After 12 years, I knew I needed a change and was offered a position at a clinic 7 minutes from my home. I started there 17 September and so far am glad I made the change: it's a smaller clinic that has a relaxed atmosphere and a kind staff. I already needed a day off for an appointment in NYC and they were very professional and had no issues with it. I'm exceedingly grateful for it.
All that said, I haven't done as much writing as I'd hoped the extra time would allow. Due to the anxiety and depression wrought by 2020, I have mostly spent my days working on training with Hannah, watching Disney+, and playing Animal Crossing New Horizons. It's hard to admit that, honestly, as I've always turned to reading and writing when times were bad, but all the mental issues have manifested in my ADHD, making anything more than a few sentences at a time difficult. (TBH, this post may be the longest thing I've written in a continuous stretch in a while!) Hopefully that will begin to change. *fingers crossed* I have returned to the SW fic I began in January and while I don't normally post WIPs, I think it'll help me to finish the story.
I have, unfortunately, come to the realization that my body is beginning to fail me. While I look perfectly healthy, this year has brought me a worsening of my gastroparesis and several new diagnoses and doctors. At the suggestion of several of my treating professionals, Hannah is being trained for service work including mobility. I've been requested to stop working as well because of the physical tax it is taking on me, but stubborn as I am, I am not ready to admit defeat.
Despite needing more time off this year to figure out my health, I did ultimately leave the vet clinic I was at. After 12 years, I knew I needed a change and was offered a position at a clinic 7 minutes from my home. I started there 17 September and so far am glad I made the change: it's a smaller clinic that has a relaxed atmosphere and a kind staff. I already needed a day off for an appointment in NYC and they were very professional and had no issues with it. I'm exceedingly grateful for it.
All that said, I haven't done as much writing as I'd hoped the extra time would allow. Due to the anxiety and depression wrought by 2020, I have mostly spent my days working on training with Hannah, watching Disney+, and playing Animal Crossing New Horizons. It's hard to admit that, honestly, as I've always turned to reading and writing when times were bad, but all the mental issues have manifested in my ADHD, making anything more than a few sentences at a time difficult. (TBH, this post may be the longest thing I've written in a continuous stretch in a while!) Hopefully that will begin to change. *fingers crossed* I have returned to the SW fic I began in January and while I don't normally post WIPs, I think it'll help me to finish the story.
My doctor called at 7:40 this morning to tell me that I am negative for COVID 19, which is a relief but also concerning because it means I am still in danger of potentially getting it. I started antibiotics on Sunday to treat what is likely an underlying infection of some kind, so hopefully it breaks the fever entirely-it's down in the morning, back up in the evening-and I can get a chance to go back to work instead of just sitting around on my butt.
Because of Hannah, I had to take a temporary stop in writing this week as with me being home, she wasn't getting the same exercise/play time that she was getting at work and at daycare, which in turn made bedtime a little bit difficult and that's my primary writing time. Today, she was able to go to her daycare, however, and that means I'll have a chance to pull up Google Docs and work.
Hopefully everyone is well. <3
Because of Hannah, I had to take a temporary stop in writing this week as with me being home, she wasn't getting the same exercise/play time that she was getting at work and at daycare, which in turn made bedtime a little bit difficult and that's my primary writing time. Today, she was able to go to her daycare, however, and that means I'll have a chance to pull up Google Docs and work.
Hopefully everyone is well. <3
Mar. 27th, 2020 06:26 pm
Stay At Home Day 16
Still waiting on my test results, but assuming they'll be negative since I'm feeling a little bit better breathing-wise. The fever is lingering; this morning it was down a bit, but this afternoon it was back to 100. I'm tempted to start the antibiotics my doc prescribed and see if the fever breaks, but she really didn't want me to yet so I'm torn.
I'm looking into another lawyer to get a second perspective before I proceed with filing bankruptcy, but obviously that's on-hold at the moment unless it becomes a necessity.
Otherwise, how is everyone? I know a lot of people are having trouble being home and trapped inside like this. I'm grateful that I live in a house on a sparse street so I can go outside without feeling like I'm endangering someone, but so many people I know live in apartments. I hope everyone's managing as best they can. <3
I'm looking into another lawyer to get a second perspective before I proceed with filing bankruptcy, but obviously that's on-hold at the moment unless it becomes a necessity.
Otherwise, how is everyone? I know a lot of people are having trouble being home and trapped inside like this. I'm grateful that I live in a house on a sparse street so I can go outside without feeling like I'm endangering someone, but so many people I know live in apartments. I hope everyone's managing as best they can. <3
Mar. 24th, 2020 11:07 am
damn you, covid-19
The downside to being asthmatic is that I'm 90% sure I have a sinus infection and the asthma attack that usually goes along with it because of post-nasal drip, but I knew, as I called my GP this morning, that I was more than likely going to be tested.
I was right. They're doing a drive-thru testing at the office, my doc does the swabs, and I've already been warned it'll take days for the results, so there goes my chance to go to work next week. :( Hopefully it comes back negative and I can get out of this house for more than 10 minutes, because I will be stir-crazy if I have to go much longer.
I was right. They're doing a drive-thru testing at the office, my doc does the swabs, and I've already been warned it'll take days for the results, so there goes my chance to go to work next week. :( Hopefully it comes back negative and I can get out of this house for more than 10 minutes, because I will be stir-crazy if I have to go much longer.
Mar. 20th, 2020 05:30 pm
Stay in Place
Cuomo gave the order for everyone in New York to stay in place today. Mom and I had run to Target & Whole Foods before the announcement to pick up a few things; I wore my mask and didn't touch anything unless necessary. Hopefully that'll be the last time I have to go out before my turn on the work rotation, unless something changes drastically.
I've been home since last Thursday, working on prompts and working with Hannah on her commands. I caught up on laundry and house chores, thankfully. I need to put a little of the laundry away, but that's my task for tomorrow.
How's everyone doing with all that's going on?
I've been home since last Thursday, working on prompts and working with Hannah on her commands. I caught up on laundry and house chores, thankfully. I need to put a little of the laundry away, but that's my task for tomorrow.
How's everyone doing with all that's going on?
Mar. 14th, 2020 08:23 pm
(no subject)
Someone sling prompts at me. I need the distraction(s), although my desire to write has just tanked the last few weeks because of everything...
I'll reply to comments this week, since, well, I have 2 weeks off from work--paid, thankfully--as my boss is freaking out about coronavirus. I've been around, hitting refresh on my reading/friends pages, though I haven't had the attention span to do more than scroll through.
I spoke with 1 lawyer so far who recommends I file chapter 13, doing a particular program through the county court that's 3450$ after all the fees. I want to speak with another lawyer, just to see if that recommend the same thing, but there aren't too many lawyers in my area that deal with bankruptcy. I also have to talk with my parents since I feel like this is something that I'm going to need their help with in the long run, which is just a conversation I have been dreading so much I keep putting it off.
But they're in Florida at the moment, so I've been drinking white claw while I clean the house and get the place ready in case I have to go to the hospital. With the coronavirus panic, I've picked up extras of my medication including my maintenance inhaler; I'm waiting for refills on a few others. The cats and the dog are all set for food and water, just have to change the litterboxes; the dishes need to be done and I need to vacuum, but the laundry is caught up. For the moment, I'm taking my victories where I can get them.
Hope everyone is safe right now.
I'll reply to comments this week, since, well, I have 2 weeks off from work--paid, thankfully--as my boss is freaking out about coronavirus. I've been around, hitting refresh on my reading/friends pages, though I haven't had the attention span to do more than scroll through.
I spoke with 1 lawyer so far who recommends I file chapter 13, doing a particular program through the county court that's 3450$ after all the fees. I want to speak with another lawyer, just to see if that recommend the same thing, but there aren't too many lawyers in my area that deal with bankruptcy. I also have to talk with my parents since I feel like this is something that I'm going to need their help with in the long run, which is just a conversation I have been dreading so much I keep putting it off.
But they're in Florida at the moment, so I've been drinking white claw while I clean the house and get the place ready in case I have to go to the hospital. With the coronavirus panic, I've picked up extras of my medication including my maintenance inhaler; I'm waiting for refills on a few others. The cats and the dog are all set for food and water, just have to change the litterboxes; the dishes need to be done and I need to vacuum, but the laundry is caught up. For the moment, I'm taking my victories where I can get them.
Hope everyone is safe right now.
✒