life doesn't discriminate

Fic: In the Eye, Poe Dameron-Centric. Teen.

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 10:35:01 GMT

Title: In the Eye
Pairings: Minor/background Han Solo/Leia Organa, Temmin Wexley/Harter Kalonia, Rey/Ben Solo.
Character Focus: Poe Dameron
AU?: Yes. Canon Divergence.
Warnings: Discussion of torture, PTSD, seizures.
Summary: There were more than just a few wounds to recover from after the interrogation by Ren for Poe.

( Chapter Two )

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Until we meet again, my love.

Tue, 25 May 2021 20:30:34 GMT

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I just wanted more time

Mon, 17 May 2021 22:12:10 GMT

I had expected to come on tonight and post some fic, answer some comments, just post something, but today I got the news I'd been expecting, but was dreading all the same. Below is the letter I posted on social media. Likely I'll be popping in and out over the next 2 weeks, but I don't know if I'll have the head for commenting/fic reading, etc.

Today, as I’d known in my gut for some time now, I had it confirmed that Ianto’s time with me on Earth is coming to a close. Where I’d hoped for months will be only a few weeks, and as such, I elect now to write a letter to my boy:

My Dearest Ianto Zachary,

I did not know 10 ½ years ago when you and your 3 sisters were first brought into MAH how you would become one of the best parts of my life. I did not know how much I would grow to adore you and your hugs, you and your talking, you and your monkey tail. I did not know how I’d become frantic the two times you got out of the house, only for you to call me from under the porch because you didn’t know what to do without Mommy there to protect you.

I used to joke that if you could speak you’d introduce yourself as Ianto Knock It Off, but man have I loved your persistence and personality. (Though I wish you’d been less of a mouser or at least consistently ate ALL of the mouse after you gave it a teeny tiny heart-attack.) Though you never had the relationship with your sister that I had hoped you would, I treasure the few pictures I have of the two of you cuddled together because, like true siblings, you could boss her around and just you-no one else is allowed to bother her. And while I’d hoped you and Hannah might be friends, I have loved your spunk for putting a dog 5 times your size in her place.

“The only man in my life is Ianto,” is something I’ve said often and honestly, it’s been true. You’re my perfect boy when I ignore your peeing in places you shouldn’t, and even then, you’re still perfect. From the day I snuck you home, a little white and gray puffball with feet you had to grow into, you’ve been perfect. (Ok, I could have lived without you beating up your sister.) In the days after we lost Christopher, you were there with your cuddles and purring, kneading my side as we laid in bed. Every tough time since, you’ve been there; every night, your whole life I have slept knowing that your sister will be on one side and you on the other, warmth against my back or my stomach or trying to curl up literally against my face as if trying to suffocate me with love.

I am not sure how I will handle the days when you decide you are ready to move on. I already don’t know how I will handle it when I have to begin washing the linens in the places you have loved to sleep, how I will handle it when I realize that your hair no longer is on my clothes (or in my eyes, see above about love suffocating.) I don’t know how I will handle it when you’re no longer here to demand things from me, meerkating when I don’t get your food fast enough, when I’m not whining at you to stop peeing on my stuff.

My buddy, I thought we had more time, even if it was shortened by the cancer in your pelvis, I had hoped we had months. I wanted you to see your eleventh birthday, then I just wanted to make it until we got your DNA results back, now I just want one more birthday of my own with you. But if you are done and you’re ready, then all I want is one more I Love You.

I’ll never be able to tell you how much I have loved you, Ianto. There are no words to convey that. You will never be forgotten and I will carry you with me until the end of my days.

Until we meet again,
Mommy

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Let's face it: I'm a flake

Sat, 15 May 2021 00:45:31 GMT

So that's what? 1 post in a year? Okay, so I've been a bit of a flake the last while. I'd blame work, COVID, dog training, poor health, but really, it was my untreated ADHD. Now that it's under control-thank the universe for non-stimulant medications-and I can think straight, I've started porting in old kink meme fills to AO3 and reading older fic in a couple of fandoms. It's nice to have something of an attention span again.

I'll be going back to read fic from a few people I adore and miss (and I hope are doing well despite my absences). I make no promises that I'll be doing more writing or frequent posting, as I am doing better mentally but I also recently discovered that my 10 year old cat, Ianto, who I've always said is the only man in my life, has bone cancer in his pelvis. It was a complete shock and a lot of my attention as of late has gone to him; while the cancer is a slow-growth type in cats, it has already been growing for about 6-9 months, during which time one of his kidneys became large and cystic. This is on top of the heart disease he's had since he was young. While I hope he sees his 11th birthday in September, I am not pinning all my hope on that and I'm trying to keep him comfortable and loved until the day comes.

As for myself, my health is continuing to deteriorate, but oddly I'm not unable to function like I have in the past. I go for another MRI tomorrow and I have a tilt-table test scheduled for August. We'll see what the results show, but at this point, between that, the hip dysplasia, the back pain, vertigo, etc, I know I'm on the downslope of my career in vet med. I considered vet school and transitioning out of the nursing aspect to a DVM, but I know I'd be miserable, so I may move to a receptionist position in the next few years or a WFH as a medical coding/billing if I can complete a certificate. We'll see.

How is everyone? Hanging in there?

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Pooped

Thu, 01 Oct 2020 23:02:36 GMT

Today marks the end of my 2nd week with the new clinic. So far, it's started to really feel comfortable and I've started being able to find things and do things without help from the others. I am, of course, paranoid to let the universe know I'm feeling happy and optimistic, but so far so good.

That said, today was a little crazier than it's been since I started and my hip and shoulder are really feeling it. While the previous clinic had lift tables and did nothing on the floor, the new one keeps the heavier/larger pets on the floor for us and them. I'm fine with it, but it gives the bigger dogs more leverage to get away from me which with my right side currently not great, doesn't make things easy. Still, I'm hoping I'll be able to get through the conditioning my body needs to get used to it.

I didn't mention it previously, but I am enacting what I call my back up plan: I'm going to start a Medical Billing/Coding Certificate program in the spring. I'm hoping that by the time I complete it, I will have more information on my conditions and a better idea of what I need to do to stay healthy. I may be able to use it for a second income or, if it turns out to be better for me, a full-time income. I may never use it either, but my psych degree, unfortunately, would require far more to get me into a career I'd enjoy and I don't think I can physically or mentally do it.

Words written so far this week: 604

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Six Months Later

Tue, 29 Sep 2020 23:31:20 GMT

Well, we're a half a year into COVID and life has gotten pretty odd for the majority of us, I think. I know for me that switching to a one-day-a-week shopping day has been draining if only because I don't often have the energy levels needed for all the errands. I have started going out here and there just to hit the Dollar Tree or Rite Aid.

I have, unfortunately, come to the realization that my body is beginning to fail me. While I look perfectly healthy, this year has brought me a worsening of my gastroparesis and several new diagnoses and doctors. At the suggestion of several of my treating professionals, Hannah is being trained for service work including mobility. I've been requested to stop working as well because of the physical tax it is taking on me, but stubborn as I am, I am not ready to admit defeat.

Despite needing more time off this year to figure out my health, I did ultimately leave the vet clinic I was at. After 12 years, I knew I needed a change and was offered a position at a clinic 7 minutes from my home. I started there 17 September and so far am glad I made the change: it's a smaller clinic that has a relaxed atmosphere and a kind staff. I already needed a day off for an appointment in NYC and they were very professional and had no issues with it. I'm exceedingly grateful for it.

All that said, I haven't done as much writing as I'd hoped the extra time would allow. Due to the anxiety and depression wrought by 2020, I have mostly spent my days working on training with Hannah, watching Disney+, and playing Animal Crossing New Horizons. It's hard to admit that, honestly, as I've always turned to reading and writing when times were bad, but all the mental issues have manifested in my ADHD, making anything more than a few sentences at a time difficult. (TBH, this post may be the longest thing I've written in a continuous stretch in a while!) Hopefully that will begin to change. *fingers crossed* I have returned to the SW fic I began in January and while I don't normally post WIPs, I think it'll help me to finish the story.

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Fic: In the Eye, Poe Dameron Centric. Teen.

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 22:07:49 GMT

Negative

Tue, 31 Mar 2020 14:52:52 GMT

My doctor called at 7:40 this morning to tell me that I am negative for COVID 19, which is a relief but also concerning because it means I am still in danger of potentially getting it. I started antibiotics on Sunday to treat what is likely an underlying infection of some kind, so hopefully it breaks the fever entirely-it's down in the morning, back up in the evening-and I can get a chance to go back to work instead of just sitting around on my butt.

Because of Hannah, I had to take a temporary stop in writing this week as with me being home, she wasn't getting the same exercise/play time that she was getting at work and at daycare, which in turn made bedtime a little bit difficult and that's my primary writing time. Today, she was able to go to her daycare, however, and that means I'll have a chance to pull up Google Docs and work.

Hopefully everyone is well. <3

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Stay At Home Day 16

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 22:34:35 GMT

Still waiting on my test results, but assuming they'll be negative since I'm feeling a little bit better breathing-wise. The fever is lingering; this morning it was down a bit, but this afternoon it was back to 100. I'm tempted to start the antibiotics my doc prescribed and see if the fever breaks, but she really didn't want me to yet so I'm torn.

I'm looking into another lawyer to get a second perspective before I proceed with filing bankruptcy, but obviously that's on-hold at the moment unless it becomes a necessity.

Otherwise, how is everyone? I know a lot of people are having trouble being home and trapped inside like this. I'm grateful that I live in a house on a sparse street so I can go outside without feeling like I'm endangering someone, but so many people I know live in apartments. I hope everyone's managing as best they can. <3

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damn you, covid-19

Tue, 24 Mar 2020 15:11:46 GMT

The downside to being asthmatic is that I'm 90% sure I have a sinus infection and the asthma attack that usually goes along with it because of post-nasal drip, but I knew, as I called my GP this morning, that I was more than likely going to be tested.

I was right. They're doing a drive-thru testing at the office, my doc does the swabs, and I've already been warned it'll take days for the results, so there goes my chance to go to work next week. :( Hopefully it comes back negative and I can get out of this house for more than 10 minutes, because I will be stir-crazy if I have to go much longer.

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Stay in Place

Fri, 20 Mar 2020 21:34:16 GMT

Cuomo gave the order for everyone in New York to stay in place today. Mom and I had run to Target & Whole Foods before the announcement to pick up a few things; I wore my mask and didn't touch anything unless necessary. Hopefully that'll be the last time I have to go out before my turn on the work rotation, unless something changes drastically.

I've been home since last Thursday, working on prompts and working with Hannah on her commands. I caught up on laundry and house chores, thankfully. I need to put a little of the laundry away, but that's my task for tomorrow.

How's everyone doing with all that's going on?

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Sun, 15 Mar 2020 00:34:48 GMT

Someone sling prompts at me. I need the distraction(s), although my desire to write has just tanked the last few weeks because of everything...

I'll reply to comments this week, since, well, I have 2 weeks off from work--paid, thankfully--as my boss is freaking out about coronavirus. I've been around, hitting refresh on my reading/friends pages, though I haven't had the attention span to do more than scroll through.

I spoke with 1 lawyer so far who recommends I file chapter 13, doing a particular program through the county court that's 3450$ after all the fees. I want to speak with another lawyer, just to see if that recommend the same thing, but there aren't too many lawyers in my area that deal with bankruptcy. I also have to talk with my parents since I feel like this is something that I'm going to need their help with in the long run, which is just a conversation I have been dreading so much I keep putting it off.

But they're in Florida at the moment, so I've been drinking white claw while I clean the house and get the place ready in case I have to go to the hospital. With the coronavirus panic, I've picked up extras of my medication including my maintenance inhaler; I'm waiting for refills on a few others. The cats and the dog are all set for food and water, just have to change the litterboxes; the dishes need to be done and I need to vacuum, but the laundry is caught up. For the moment, I'm taking my victories where I can get them.

Hope everyone is safe right now.

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Screw 2020

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 23:59:24 GMT

I have been absent from the internet for some time now, excepting for Reddit, and well, it comes down to the fact that the added stress from work has really been weighing me down. Things were improving, although I really had a rough day Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday, I had previously had approved for a short vacation that turned into a staycation that was supposed to help me relax.

Relaxation failed as I was served paperwork on default for one of my student loans. I very rapidly realized that the time has come to file for bankruptcy. Between medical bills, credit card bills, and student loans, my credit is destroyed and I can no longer survive on my meager paycheck. Knowing that what follows the default is wage garnishment, I won't be able to stay out of collections with my other creditors. I know it won't make my student loans vanish, but I have been pissing on a fire for a long time: my token payments are barely making any dent into what has ballooned to 100K from 75K at graduation.

I have been living on Xanax all weekend. I can barely find it in me to clean the house, but my mother is here for a bit and I can't let her know yet so I did get up and do what I needed. I figure once I speak with a few lawyers and make the determination of how I'm going to proceed, I'll talk to my parents about how bad my finances really are. Especially since my car loan has 7K left on it and it's in both mine and my mother's names and I don't know what's going to happen if I really do end up filing.

Maybe I have a savings bond that's matured and I can put something toward this mess...

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Hannah Rose Dameron

Thu, 20 Feb 2020 00:07:49 GMT

Pictures like the proud mama I am:

Please note: this beast is why I can't do as much writing lately. She is adorable but so much trouble, so I've been bringing my laptop to work in an attempt to fill prompts and have been failing the last few days. Looks like I might be a filling champ on the weekends.

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Crazy Week

Sun, 16 Feb 2020 22:47:15 GMT

The last week has been a roller coaster.

After my last post, I went to work and had what was probably my worst day there in 12 years. Long story I don't want to get into... I am still there working, but I have quietly put applications out with a few local animal hospitals with good reviews. We'll see what comes of it or if I decide to stick it out at the current clinic for a little while longer.

Emotionally though, it really set me back as I was finally coming off my anxiety medication and I am going back to my normal strength to deal with the stress this caused. My ADHD may need medicating too, but I'm hoping just controlling my anxiety may help the ADHD to improve and I can avoid the meds for that.

I brought home the puppy on Thursday and her name has remained as it was at the rescue: Hannah. Which turned into Hannah Rose. Which then became Hannah Rose Dameron because all of my pets actually have 3 names. (Hi, I'm Aivix, and I'm a little bit eccentric.)

Currently I'm trying to get she and I on a routine that suits us and so far, she's been great. I'll post a picture of her later, when I'm a little more focused.

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Excited!

Wed, 05 Feb 2020 10:51:27 GMT

This last week has been a bit crazy, between work, my niece's christening, and the asthma flaring up again, so I missed posting last week (or really doing much of anything fandom related). I got a little bit of writing done, but mostly spent the time I had editing and hacking at the Star Wars fic since I was stuck. Thankfully, I am over that hurdle, though I suspect that I may not have a lot of time in a few days:

I'm getting my first dog! As long as the home visit goes well tonight after work, I'll be picking up a german shepherd/labrador mix from a local rescue this weekend. I'm very excited and very torn on names!

So hit me with names. I am tossing around Ayiana, Atlanna, or Willa.

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Darn lungs

Sat, 25 Jan 2020 12:00:09 GMT

I hate winter. The ridiculous cold at the beginning of the week triggered my asthma and the last 3 days have been a delight of running the warm humidifier, scrounging up prednisone from a prescription I didn't finish while I waited for my pulmonologist appointment, and abusing my rescue inhaler by using it the maximum amount I could. Between my GP and the pulmonologist's nurses, I once again own a nebulizer and it's been the driving force between yesterday and today to feeling less like my chest is in a vice.

I did spend some of yesterday doing some writing on the Star Wars story and an Endgame story that's been kicking around since last year, and did a lot of reading. I also updated the Dreamwidth layout since the previous one just wasn't doing it for me after all the edits, both profile codes, and organized the icons onto my new chromebook so I can match the ones on LJ to the ones on DW.

Now, since I was supposed to work this weekend and had to swap with a coworker to accommodate the asthma attack, I want to go back through comment_fic and find prompts to work on.

Edit @ 5:53pm
Well, my plan went out the window. Spent my day at the hospital instead since my pulmonologist was concerned that I might have a blood clot. After hours, I can confirm I do not and it truly is just my asthma kicking my ass. I'm so wiped out that I think I'm just going to take a shower and drown myself in YouTube.

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New Chromebook

Mon, 20 Jan 2020 19:22:54 GMT

After spending quite some time reading reviews and watching YouTube videos, I finally decided I wanted either the Asus Flip C434 or (shockingly) the HP x360 14 in white and gold. I figured I'd watch for a sale and then whichever one went below 450$ first would be the one I got. Ironically enough, it turned out that Best Buy had the HP for 399$.

So I am now the proud owner of a brand new 14" Chromebook that I spent yesterday writing over a thousand words on. It's amazing how much easier it is to edit on a larger screen, too, though it's so light that I can easily see myself dropping it if I'm not careful. Definitely going to have to invest in a case or something of the like.

That said, I've taken it to work today so I can work on fic and hopefully get something posted soon. It's been so long since I posted anything, it's almost nerve-wracking!

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Random Saturday Post

Sat, 18 Jan 2020 13:46:55 GMT

Well this week has been... interesting. It must've been a full moon because work has been pure insanity: overscheduled on procedures, understaffed because everyone is sick, clients showing up 30 minutes to an hour before their appointments, multiple clients coming in on the wrong day and then asking, "Well, we're here, any way you can see us today?" while we're all running around with our hair on fire trying to get the dog that ate underwear stable for surgery. I think I took a combined 30 minutes for break this week.

By sundown on Tuesday, I was super grateful that I had swapped days off with another tech since it meant I could go home and sleep for 12 hours, but of course it just continued Thursday and Friday. Here's hoping next week will be a little less out of control.

On the upside, I went to the local humane society to look at dogs. I'm in the unique situation where I need someone good with cats and other dogs that is not a puppy and doesn't need to be walked for 7 miles twice a day. Their kennel manager pointed out a few that she knew were cat and dog safe and after talking with her about my life and what I wanted, she pointed out a very pretty spaniel they're calling Lacey who I just adore. She did have a prior application in on her so I'm waiting to hear if that one falls through. I hate to say fingers crossed because it means some kids somewhere have lost the opportunity to have her, but I have already picked a name if I get her so...

Does anyone know of any apps that can be used for icon making? I have yet to roll the laptop back to Windows 7, so I'm working exclusively on the chromebook and I'm desperate to make a few new icons for DW/LJ.

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Sat, 11 Jan 2020 15:00:37 GMT

I never make new years resolutions, because, honestly, I am so not good at keeping them. But I do believe in lifestyle changes so I have decided to start doing 1 small thing each month. This month was making the bed every morning, a stupidly simple and mundane thing, but something I have not reliably done in years. It's so far helped to get me out of bed and stay out of bed on work mornings, which means I have had time to pack lunch and make coffee instead of spending 15-20$ a day on the two.

It's also made it more comfortable to write since I can sit back and not fall asleep, LOL!

Next month, I will start using a planner to organize bills, payday, and other dates. Again, something simple and mundane that I haven't done in years and I know will help to get my life back under control. I also plan to use it to keep track of how much I write each day.

And in March, I'm hoping to be up to a post a week minimum and a weekly word count of 2500. Hopefully by then, I'll also have the new chromebook which should make that a very attainable goal.

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Chromebook shopping

Wed, 08 Jan 2020 00:59:35 GMT

So in July of '18, I scraped together enough money to buy an Acer R11 Chromebook during Amazon's Prime Day. It was a timely purchase too, because at that point my laptop had started to have some issues. My laptop held out valiantly until after I finished school to really become a headache and now I'm once again starting to put away money for a new computer, but since I like the Chromebooks and I can get so many more apps for free than I can get programs for a windows machine, I'm trying to find another with certain features I prefer like a nano bezel, 14-15.9" touch screen, 8GB RAM, and backlit keyboard.

I have discovered those four things together? Can't get it under 600$ which is so surprising to me. I can get a 15.9" 12GB RAM laptop for ~300$ these days.

Ugh, all I want is a larger screen to read and write fic and I'm guessing it's going to be several months. :/

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I have developed plot

Tue, 07 Jan 2020 00:48:58 GMT

I started writing a Poe Dameron-centric H/C a few days ago, expecting to finish it off as maybe a thousand words. Just a short, sweet little bit of missing scenes after the torture bit in Force Awakens. Instead, I have surpassed 4000 and am seeming to develop a plot. XD

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Romancing McShep

Sun, 05 Jan 2020 20:22:02 GMT

The last time I signed up for Romancing McShep I failed to post since life was too busy raking me over the coals financially/mentally, so I'm very much looking forward to this years prompts. I still remember how romancingmcshep got me writing again when I tripped across the prompt that Catalyst came from. Hopefully I can do something good with another prompt this year.

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Cleaning up

Sat, 04 Jan 2020 12:53:03 GMT

Having been away for a while, I decided to clean up things starting last night. So updated the side bar for fandoms/pairings on LJ, cleaned out my inboxes on DW & LJ, and did some minor tweaks to titles & profile, but I plan to drag out my slow AF laptop today and do a few small graphics to replace the images I lost in broken photobucket links. Also, the DW layout is killing me and must be updated.

Stayed up late doing some of that plus working a SW fix-it H/C featuring Poe Dameron (because he hurts so pretty, as the AO3 tag goes). The Lily/James/Severus fic I've been slowly working on is on the back burner for the moment as it gets a bit angsty re: Halloween 1981 and I'm enjoying the thought of a bruised up Poe far more at the moment. I'm also gonna go stealth mode on comment_fic to hunt for some prompts to work with for SGA, because I feel like I dropped Raising Sons without ever really finishing it.

Edit: I forgot how much I hate editing CSS.

How's everyone been doing?

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I'm back!

Sat, 04 Jan 2020 02:20:42 GMT

Well, I've been unexpectedly gone for quite some time. Suffice it to say that between finishing my program, taking the licensing exam, moving positions at work, and my laptop all but a brick, fandom kind of went to the way side. I've been back to doing some writing, currently in Star Wars and Harry Potter, but I've been re-reading some other fandoms lately and been feeling like getting back in.

Mainly, I suspect, because I've listening to the Hamilton soundtrack obsessively since I saw the play last week and every song makes me want to write something. XD

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